


How Ho-Tan learned to love herself

by Mycroffed



Category: Yonderland (TV)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Journey of discovery, M/M, Trans Scribe Elder Ho-Tan, Vextan hints, Working towards VexTan, minor angst with a wholesome ending, trigger warnings apply
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27534514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mycroffed/pseuds/Mycroffed
Summary: Feeling bad about his body was nothing new to Ho-Tan, something that had been with him for much longer than he’d been an elder.
Relationships: Scribe Elder Ho-Tan/Wise Elder Vex
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	How Ho-Tan learned to love herself

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I have a new obsession. Yes, I have things I should probably finish. No, I don't give a flying shit.
> 
> There are some trigger warnings, though:  
> The first part talks about a bad relationship with eating and food, something that hinges on an eating disorder. There is also a hint of self-hate sprinkled throughout all of this. Take care of yourself!
> 
> This is set before the entire Pipple fruit debacle, which is why this is not mentioned anywhere in this fic. I was planning on getting it in, but then the fic got away from me, and then I had gotten to the conclusion.

Feeling bad about his body was nothing new to Ho-Tan, something that had been with him for much longer than he’d been an elder. As a kid, he’d thought that he would be able to control it. It was ridiculous to feel wrong in your own body, after all. At least that was what he told himself. What would be the point of hating his own body?

First, he thought that it was a problem with his weight, that he was just a bit too thin. He’d started to deliberately eat more, he’d started to try and gain weight in an attempt to be a bit more voluptuous. He had written down his weight, time and time again in an attempt to keep track of it. There were notebooks filled with the stuff.

But he still wasn’t happy when he had gained more weight. People had just started to point and laugh at him.

Horrible.

So he decided that he would have to go and lose that weight once again. Unsurprisingly, that was more of a struggle than anything. It was more difficult than gaining it, for sure. He would stop eating for days, then practically faint where he was standing. (He’d worried Wise Elder Vex with that particular habit more than once.) Then he had phases where he ate a lot more, where he regained that weight he’d lost not eating immediately.

It wasn’t until he’d become one of the elders that they had pointed out his unhealthy habits. It had been hard to talk about it, and that conversation had happened until he had fainted in the middle of a council meeting.

He’d woken up on her bed, with both Chief Elder Choop and Wise elder Vex sitting next to him.

“Hey, old boy,” Vex whispered as soon as he realised that Ho-Tan was awake.

Immediately, Ho-Tan felt not right. He knew something was wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. He just assumed that it was because he hadn’t eaten in way too long. “Vex—” he whispered, glancing at Choop, then back at his friend.

“Yes?” Vex’ peculiar accent sometimes made it difficult to figure out whether he was asking a question or not. Ho-Tan decided to just take a shot in the dark and hope that he was asking him a question, indeed.

“I’m sorry.”

“This can’t go on any longer, Ho-Tan.” Choop interjected himself into the conversation, huffing softly. “We have tolerated your rather unhealthy eating habits for way too long; you will have to go and get help.”

Ho-Tan opened his mouth to protest, but he knew that if Choop had something in mind, he could talk about it forever. Plus, he would whine forever if Ho-Tan even considered not doing what he’d been told. So he glanced back down and just nodded. “Okay,” he whispered softly. “Okay, I’ll… Okay.”

It seemed that Vex felt a little bad, because Ho-Tan could feel his strong arms wrap themselves around him. He leaned into that touch, sighing softly.

“It’s not as if … I didn’t do it on purpose.” Ho-Tan managed, though his words were barely above a whisper. “I just—” He’d become so close to telling the pair of them that something was wrong, that he felt awful, that his body didn’t feel quite right, and that that was why he had such an unhealthy relationship with eating. But in the end, he couldn’t say it.

“You just?” Chooper asked, an eyebrow raised at him in question.

Ho-Tan decided to just ignore the question and instead hid his face in Vex’ shoulder. (And he was pretty sure he’d imagined things, but it felt like Vex had pressed a soft kiss to his temples.)

\--~--

And then Debbie had come.

She was a breath of fresh air in a world where Ho-Tan had accepted that he would be stuck in this awful body for the rest of his life. She had brought stories of people who loved people of the same gender, sprinkled in at random intervals when she bumped into something in the world that perplexed her.

At one point, Ho-Tan had put her notebook aside and had then decided to trail after Debbie as she got ready to leave. He gave Elf one look, and the elf decided to quickly leave the pair of them alone.

“Is there anything you’d like to say, Ho-Tan?” Debbie asked, the look in her eyes one of worry.

His mouth turned dry, his palms sweaty, and suddenly it was very difficult to breathe. He forced a little smile, as he made a little gesture to her that meant ‘give me a moment’. Immediately, he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder, which made things just that little bit more bearable.

“Take all the time you need.” Her voice was so reassuring.

A wobbly little smile later, and his heart was trying to beat out of his chest. Was he really doing this? Apparently, he was. “Do you have stories about people feeling wrong in their own body?”

Well. That was how he hoped that it had come out. In reality, he’d been stumbling over his words, until he blurted the sentence out so fast that it took Debbie a moment to figure out what exactly he’d been trying to say. But then realisation dawned upon her face.

“Wrong how exactly, Ho-Tan?” There was a gentle little smile around her lips. “Because there are many ways that someone can feel wrong.”

Already relieved that Debbie seemed to believe him, his next sentence was a little more put together. “It just feels… wrong. Like my body is not the way it is supposed to be.”

“Are there any words that feel particularly wrong?” Debbie asked patiently.

“I think I don’t like it when people call me ‘boy’. It gets particularly bad when… This stays between the two of us, will it?” The idea that this would get out before Ho-Tan was ready was terrifying.

“I won’t breathe a single word to any of them.” Debbie said, as she crossed her heart.

Ho-Tan blinked a few times, because that was an odd gesture. What did that mean? He shook his head a little, then turned his attention back to the matter at hand. “I know Vex means well, but it stings more when he calls me an ‘old boy’.”

Debbie’s face formed into a comical little ‘oh’ expression, as she seemed to realise what Ho-Tan was talking about.

“Do you know what I am talking about?” His voice was filled with hope. He really did hope that she would be able to figure it out together.

“I do, but I fear that I am not qualified to explain to you what it’s like. Do you mind if I go and collect something from home?” Debbie’s hand was gently rubbing his shoulder and it was a surprisingly comforting gesture.

“No, go ahead.” Ho-Tan smiled. “I’ll wait for you. I just… Am I wrong?”

“Wh- No. No, Ho-Tan, you’re not wrong. In my world, there are plenty of people who feel like this.” She smiled at him. It was surprisingly reassuring, such a simple gesture like that. “I should only be five minutes.”

Ho-Tan just sort of nodded, then glanced back towards the rest of the elders. “Well. You know where to find me.”

Debbie smiled, patted his shoulder again, then stepped away from the scribe elder. “I do.” And after those words, she stepped away. Ho-Tan could vaguely hear Elf ask her what that’d been about, but since he didn’t hear Debbie’s reaction, he just assumed that they’d either gone through the portal, or that she was keeping her word and not telling anyone.

He smiled to himself, for just a moment, but promptly stopped as Vex appeared right next to him. “So what did you need to ask Deb-beh?”

“Oh, nothing important. A part of the story that I’d missed.”

\--~--

It took Debbie longer than five minutes to return with whatever she’d decided to go and get. Ho-Tan was left with an attention span that was considerably shorter than it usually was. He had trouble focussing on what the others were saying, what they were trying to babble about this time. He didn’t seem to notice, however, until Vex placed a hand on his shoulder and made her jump.

“Ho-Tan?” His voice was soft, and this time he asked most definitely a question. “You weren’t paying attention.”

He opened his mouth again, but no words could explain why he kept glancing at the door, why he kept hoping that any time that a noise or a shadow came changed there, it was Debbie. Luckily, she had managed to make an appearance while all of them were distracted by him.

In fact, she even had to clear her throat in order to get everyone’s attention.

“Debbie!” – “Deb-beh!” the elders echoed in unison, except for Ho-Tan, who was glancing towards the book that the chosen one was holding in her hands.

“Don’t mind me, I am just here on a personal delivery for Ho-Tan, that is all.” Debbie smiled, before she walked over to where the scribe was sitting. “There you go. It’s a children’s book, but it should help you understand that question you asked.”

Ho-Tan immediately clutched it against his chest, making sure that nobody else could read what it was about. “Thank you, Debbie.” He said. “I will read it carefully.”

And just like that, the elders were alone once again.

\--~--

Ho-Tan had carefully read through that book. It had opened the scribe’s eyes, and had explained so much. The book’s title was ‘Am I Transgender?’ and had explained exactly what that was. It told about people born in a female body, but who felt like they were a man. It talked about the opposite, about people who were born in a male body, but who were really a woman.

Never before had Ho-Tan found words that could explain exactly how the scribe felt.

After reading it through, the scribe had come to the conclusion that Ho-Tan was one of those transgender people. She had started to use she/her pronouns, even if it was only to think about herself. It was a start, and the book had said that that was where someone should begin.

She had found herself in front of the mirror, telling herself that she was a woman.

But she couldn’t bring herself to actually say it out loud when anyone else was present. She couldn’t bring herself to refer to herself as a ‘woman’ out loud. So she just shuddered every time someone called her an ‘old boy’, or a ‘good man’. She shrunk a little in her seat every time that Choop referred to her as ‘him’.

She told herself that she would get used to this, that she would learn to live with the constant misgendering. After all, she would never be able to actually voice this out loud, could she?

\--~--

It was a few days later that Debbie stepped by again, this time asking specifically for her. The other elders exchanged a few strange looks, but Ho-Tan had already hopped out of her seat and was already making her way towards Debbie. She pulled her into a little cubbie-hole, where none of the others could see them.

“So did the book help?” Debbie asked.

Immediately, Ho-Tan nodded, smiling brightly. “As usual, you figured it out long before even I did. You really are the wisest.”

“Well, I do my best.” Debbie grinned. “Now, what conclusion did you come to?”

Ho-Tan still hesitated for a moment, then whispered ever so quietly: “I’m a woman.” That felt liberating. That felt oh-so liberating. “I’m—I’m a woman.” She said, a little bit louder. “I’m a _woman_.”

“That’s wonderful!” Debbie grinned, as she placed a hand on her shoulder. “Are you going to tell the others?”

“No, no, of course not, I wouldn’t want to inconvenience them.” Ho-Tan shook her head a little, because there was no way that she was ever going to share her story with the rest of the elders.

“Are they still addressing you as ‘old boy’, and ‘good man’?”

“Yes, but that’s… That’s okay.” Ho-Tan didn’t think it was okay, but she had convinced herself that really, things would be fine. That this was just a bad idea.

“No, it’s not,” Debbie said softly. “Ho-Tan, I am really happy that you have figured it out now, that you know that you’re a woman, but if you keep this to yourself… I would recommend you tell them, but in your own time.”

Ho-Tan hesitated, but did see the sense in that statement. The idea of telling them, however, was horrible and incredibly stress-inducing. So she nodded, and the pair of them immediately started plotting.

\--~--

Vex hadn’t known what to expect when he got out of bed that morning, but it had certainly not been a series of arrows, guiding him towards the council chamber. He knew that there had been _something_ going on between his dearest Ho-Tan and the chosen one, but he hadn’t been able to put his finger on it. At least, until today.

He found the other elders in the council room as well, some of them sitting on their seats, while others were still chatting amongst themselves. Immediately, he did a head-count, because he always did that. “Where is he?” He asked, softly at first, then louder as nobody else had heard him. “Where is Ho-Tan?”

The other elders looked towards each other, then shrugged. It seemed like nobody knew.

“We need to go look for him!” Vex said, already stepping towards the door that lead towards their bedrooms.

“You won’t find him,” Debbie said softly. (Vex briefly wondered why she was there, and how she’d gotten there that early without any of them noticing, but then put it aside.)

“And why not?” Chief elder Choop seemed to bristle a little as he turned his attention towards Debbie.

“Oh, you will find Ho-Tan, but you won’t find _him_.” Debbie repeated, a little more carefully.

“Explain!” Choop demanded.

“Why don’t you ask her?” Debbie stepped aside, revealing Ho-Tan to be standing behind her.

The elders muttered in confusion, but Vex was the first one who dared to actually speak up. “ _Her_?”

A silence fell. Ho-Tan glanced towards Debbie, then Debbie made a gesture of encouragement towards the scribe. Vex took a closer look at his friend and realised that there seemed to be something different about her.

“I think I am a woman.” Ho-Tan said softly. “No, I _know_ I am a woman.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Ho-Tan,” Choop began, but the look he got from Debbie immediately stopped him in his tracks.

“Why didn’t you tell us before?” Vex asked, as he took a few steps towards his friend.

“I have only figured it out recently,” Ho-Tan explained. “It… was with Debbie’s help, of course. There’s—if you want to know more, she borrowed me a wonderful book about it.”

“I’m not that much of a reader,” Flowers shrugged.

“I don’t have any arms to hold the book,” Trevor added.

“I’ll read it to you,” Ho-Tan said. “So… You are not going to throw me out?”

It was at that point that Vex had reached Ho-Tan, and gently wrapped an arm around her. “Of course not. You are our friend.”

And that was the tale of how Ho-Tan learned to love herself.


End file.
